Quite often I get told that there is a lot of trash on Steam, I’ve never looked too closely but since I’ve spent the last year dealing with trash health, trash chores (moving from SquareSpace to WordPress was a bitch) and trash people I’ve decided to give myself a birthday gift to summarize my last year. This gift is a job to rapidly review the worst game we have gotten off Steam Curator Connect: Wheelie King 5.

Note: I’m skipping our usual sections except gameplay because there isn’t enough to fill each of them.

Story/Sound/Graphics:

The menu is your first hint of things to come, it is quite poor. Filled with customization options that you don’t see in the game with a broken view of your currently selected bike. If you Try to zoom in to your bike you will get lost in the void. The background music in the menu thankfully isn’t too bad but It feels very generic so… maybe I’ll go buy it as a theme song…

The only semi-good thing I can tell you about this game is that the bike models look decent. Though I doubt they were created for the game and more likely they were purchased from the Unity marketplace since they have correct company names but the game menu uses miss-spelt names.

The graphics are substandard, they are doing that thing where they want the graphics to look realistic but don’t have the skills to do it so it looks exceptionally crappy. I would complain about the animations but I’m not convinced there are any, I think the camera is just changing its distance from the bike.

Same for the sound, I would guess there are around 4 or 5 purchased sound loops (including the background score) that are set on infinite repeat. Hell, even the bikes sound the same…

Gameplay:

I have no clue what the objective is, from the name I guess it is to do wheelies but the game doesn’t tell you how long you should do it, if it resets when you crash, nothing. If the core loop was just to pull the longest wheelie compared to other players then this is not a game of skill but of patience since holding a wheelie even while turning is easy. On the mall track, I did three laps with no risk while holding a wheelie, if I was completely jobless I could probably waste a few hours just doing that and break every record.

The challenge is diminished by the fact that the vehicles are very floaty, they lack weight which makes them all feel the same to use, you can drop the throttle a little and make 90-degree turns like it was nothing. I suspect that this was made with touch screens in mind since any competent input device would make this game the least challenging game you would ever play.

Conclusion:

At first glance you would give wheelie king some props because it looks like a 5-year-old has done a pretty decent job at making a 3D game, that is until you Google the developer and find their Google Play page which has not 1, not 2 but 20 games on it. Together, these games have 100,000 downloads, it is at this point you skip contemplating the game industry and start contemplating how the human race got to this awful point in time.

I usually give games a recommended purchase price at this point, but this time I’m making a different recommendation: If you or anyone you know has either paid the $10 asking price for this game or has downloaded it from the Google Play store please contact your closest insane-asylum, you need help and I do hope that you get the best treatment available.

Final Score: 3/10